ARTICLES

by Viriam Kaur

The true power of love is the opportunity for wholeness that it gives us. When we enter into an intimate relationship we, receive one of our biggest opportunities for transformation. “Awakened Relationship is about true relating, rather than having a relationship”, says teacher and author Amoda Maa ]eevan.
“Far from being a romantic illusion, love holds the key to awakening ... but only if there is willingness for emotional and spiritual growth. The thing I realised is: love always brings up anything unlike itself to be seen and be healed.”

So in every past heartbreak, every argument, every hurt that we have carried around over the years, we get an opportunity to heal ourselves. When we are in relationship, we have an opportunity to see ourselves very clearly through the eyes of the other, if we have the courage to embrace it. And it’s this courage that is essential and what we often lack when it comes to relationship.

Amoda Maa Jeevan, author of ‘How to Find God in Everything‘ and ‘Be an Agent of Change’ has delved into the paradigm of conscious relationship and wants to help us drop the illusions and the typical co-dependent relationship dynamics and fully embrace the challenge of ‘Awakened Relationship‘. And Awakened Relationship is a challenge because it is living and acting consciously within relationship - it is much easier to hide within a relationship. Awakened Relationship is taking ownership of our feelings, our stories - it's bringing our whole ‘selves’ to the table, not just the bits that we think make us loveable.

‘Because, like so many people, I went through so much difficulty and pain in my relationships, says Amoda. ‘I finally got wise and started asking myself some pertinent questions. Like: ‘If love itself is not enough to keep a relationship alive, then what else is required?’ And: ‘If happy ever after is such an illusion, then what is the secret that makes love grow?’ Not to mention: ‘If relationship is so full of difficulty, then why bother at all?’ The answer I came up with can be summed up in one sentence: because relationship holds the greatest opportunity for transformation."

When we enter into an intimate relationship, we throw the light on our relationship with ourselves. lf we are not happy with ourselves in any way, this will be highlighted by the dynamic of throwing a partner into the mix. The issue that arises is usually that we hide behind the facade of the relationship, we look to the other to make us whole and we fall into blame and victim patterns within the relationship. We get caught up in a power struggle. When we can speak our truth and own our feelings, we can step into a whole new arena - what Amoda calls "true relating."

We often hide behind these patterns because they reinforce our thoughts about ourselves. For Amoda, the secret to finding true happiness within relationship is “falling in love with your aloneness.” We are often looking for our ‘other half’ and this is a mistake. "When we can bring our ‘whole’ self into relationship, then we stop looking outside of ourselves for happiness and love and instead share our wholeness (not our lack). Entering into a relationship is exciting, passionate, and optimistic and typically is following an agenda ... or more likely two agendas. We very rarely take stock of our last relationship and we very rarely ask ourselves honestly what we really expect from relationship."

"When my partner, Kavi, and I first got together, we were clear we didn't want to play the same old relationship games. Both of us had been burnt badly by our previous relationship experiences and this time we wanted to do it consciously." "The questions we asked ourselves were: ‘Are we just stumbling through relationship, hoping that things are OK? Or is our intention to deepen into love even though we don't necessarily know how?”

“We acknowledged that for ‘true relating‘ meant having an open heart and allowing all possibilities. We asked ourselves: ‘Do we have a list of rules and expectations for how a relationship should be? Or are we willing to explore how it is and where it might take us?" So often we get lost in our expectations of what relationship should be and stop ourselves from fully exploring its potential. Amoda has come up with four life-rafts that can help us shift from the power struggle that keeps relationships in a co-dependent nature to a place of true understanding and growth.

FOUR LIFE RAFTS

Honesty

We need to create conscious communication. We need to be honest with ourselves. So often when we talk or argue with our partner we jump into an offensive (blame) or defensive (victim) mode — these are masks. We often do not want to admit to what we are really feeling, not to ourselves and certainly not to our partner, for fear of looking weak or unlovable. "ln order for truth to reveal itself, it requires the willingness to stop and listen, to create spa
ce for open ended exploration.”

Courage

We need to have courage to speak our truth and to listen to the home-truths of the other. lt can be really hard to listen with courage and not jump into the offensive or defensive mode. We need to have the courage to drop our expectations and the expectations of family and friends that reinforce our illusions about relationship. “Letting ourselves be seen is the mark of a warrior of the heart."

Responsibility

How often do we blame the other for our situation, rather than taking responsibility for our part in it? Often we use relationship as a cushion - to prevent us dealing with our own ‘stuff’ we project it onto the other. We project stories onto our partner, we have whole dialogues with them in our heads, and we try and put words into their mouths. “lt is only when each of you tells the truth of how you feel, however uncomfortable it may be, that space is made for the bigger picture to reveal itself ... and in this space love grows.”

Vulnerability

Vulnerability can be wholly uncomfortable; we like to be in control. Again it is much easier to wear a mask than embrace our vulnerability. lf we share what scares us or makes us feel vulnerable, we fear that it will be seen as a sign of weakness. “The power-games we play to get on in the world are an antidote to intimacy. The sweetness of falling in love is due to a dropping of defences that makes you vulnerable to the other. By embracing the full depth of each moment as it is now, you free yourself from story-lines of "poor me" and awaken to your true divine nature.” The Power of Love is a curious thing ... it's an adventure ... it's a reminder to live consciously in each moment.

Awakened Relationship is a meeting of two hearts not a clashing of two personalities. In order to transform a relationship from a contract of limitation to an adventure of liberation, there needs to be a shared attitude of self-discovery and an appreciation of the mystery of love.

This article was first published in Yoga Magazine
Copyright © 2012 Yoga Magazine